These words been in my notes for so long, i was planning to secretly send these words to you. it's not about courage, you know so well that I can send you anything as I did before when I started talking to you first. I just can't find any reason to send it to you, i dont want you to try to love me back because I love you that much? that's going to hurt more than quenching my feelings to you. but if i ever did and send it it will be because I have nothing to lose, and i don't think that what I'm going to say is going to take my pride away. it's just a feeling I can keep it to myself or say it, I'm not begging for something. I think you just deserve to know how much you are loved. i still remember that day, almost failed in the exam and i just saw your face so satisfied and happy so I immediately forgot my pain and became the happiest monkey on the earth for you, because i want you to be happy, and if it's not with me that's fine. because you're the only person I have loved enough to put before myself. seeing you happy makes me happy. and that's what love is.. right? i really don't know! I find it so creepy to say i love you cause i have commitment phobia and I'm such a freak when it comes to relationships, i even hate the phase of being in a relationship, thats so silly. i hate labels. everyone i know i dont consider him/her as something i just let it be. just hanging around and doing goofy things with no chains. just joy and laughters. I just cant define what I feel its something so big to put in words wallah, I don’t have to be the only one you dream about, the one that you can’t live without. I just wanna make you smile. all i want is to sparkle up your eyes, take you to my favorite places, listen to my favorite tracks with you, unfortunately I became less interested in everything but not in you. i spend so many nights wondering what it would be like if i had you for myself! I made a parallel universe, and carried it with me whenever you were around, so whenever you looked at me. I would close my eyes to stretch that look to last for me fair amount of minutes to keep me warm for the next sight of your eyes. It should be a map just to get out of your eyes. you're more than the mess they made of you. I would much rather take pictures of your face than the sky, I would rather write some poems on your arms, draw mini-sketches on your hands and paint the starry night on your pack of cigarettes while we are sitting somewhere than text you cheesy love quotes. I want to paint for you galaxies and nebulas so you never forget how extraordinary you are. they told us once you find that person that makes you happy in they way the no one else can, dont ever let them go and you make me happy even if you just passed in front of me! even if i caught your smile with someone else. okay my heart breaks a little when you smile with others instead of me but its okay at least I can see your beautiful smile, you know, sometimes i think that there are some people that one cant really forget, even if absolutely nothing happened between them, but there will always be this little...thing towards them, and it never really goes away. its funny how some things never change even after years. its ridiculous how after 3 years of *NOTHING* I still hold on waiting for something to happen! ist not that "ridiculous" i cant deny i enjoy loving you, Im so proud to say I love you that makes me feel like I have a great taste in people like I didnt fall in love before and when I fall I fall in someone like you! OKAY OKAY i cant say its love, because its not. and i really dont like the word "crush", because we are not 7 anymore. but its just something. i know its there, and i cant really label it as anything. but its there. i love everything about you from the way you walk to the faces you made when you didnt know what to say, i still remember they way your voice broke with embarrassed laughter. you have these beautiful eyes, starry just like magic, hidden dark cave, full of things I cant explain but i love it. time always freezes at the sight of your face, you're so grey and blue, confused like grey but also blue like the cover of my favorite poetry book, you're just like summer breeze. do you ever wonder if you have ever been that random person that someone saw and couldnt forget? i think you should wonder because you got that person who couldnt forget you.. its me! if someone asked about my death wish it would be definitely one long nighttime walk conversation with you and i will never regret this wish, EVER. ohh I wish you could see that smile upon my face rn. I can’t seem to tell you but I want this feeling to last as warm as the sunshine. it hurt, but i love it.
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